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The House That Jack Built…

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

Sometimes a film comes along and downright shocks you, films like Human Centipede *shudders* films like A Serbian Film (so many things wrong with that film) but then a film comes along where you can’t decide whether to stop watching and switch it off or keep watching it and see where it takes you, The House That Jack Built is one of those movies and believe as much as I wanted to switch it off I thought NO!!!! I’m not going too, what followed was possibly the most hardest film I’ve had to sit through, number one was my sisters school choir recital… god forbid I never knew kids could turn the colours of the rainbow in to a two and half hour song about what said colours represent.

What a surprise that said film was directed by none other than the king of depression Lars Von Trier… The House That Jack Built not my sisters choir recital, although I would’ve paid to see that, The House That Jack Built follows Matt Dillon through a twelve year serial killing spree, we see him kill women, men and children.

Yep, you heard me, we actually see him kill children. It doesn’t happen off camera no, we see the bloodiness of it all guts and gore the whole Shabang! And out of all the scenes in that film that’s the one that really kept me awake for days, I’m not gonna go in to detail about it but let’s just say it involves two young boys and a high powered sniper rifle (you can work out the rest) the film itself is utterly disturbing as we see Jack become so obsessed with these killings that it makes you wonder and ponder what’s going to happen next, all while your watching through your fingers, you sit there wondering how is this all going to pan out, is he going to get caught.

I must say for the record that Matt Dillon’s performance is absolutely terrifying, he plays the part of Jack so very well that you kinda forget your watching an actor on screen and more like a Netflix true crime docu-series, the most disturbing part was possibly when Jack forces a Mum to feed her dead son pie and rearranges said son’s face giving him a rather grotesque looking smile, I’m not gonna lie but I did walk out at that very part because you will need a strong stomach to sit through that.

The ending however is possibly one of the greatest twists I think I’ve ever seen, Jack has these conversations with a man called Verge, at the end of the film Verge is revealed to be actually Virgil the great roman poet who wrote Dante’s Divine Comedy, in the poem Virgil guides Dante through Hell and Purgatory, this serves as the ending to The House That Jack Built and its executed very very well, Verge is played very very well by Bruno Ganz, the guy who played Adolf Hitler in the amazing film Downfall.

I’ve never really liked Lars Von Trier but I do believe that this is possibly one of his most ambitiously artistic film I’ve seen, and that’s a rare occasion me completing a Lars Von Trier film, all in all I give The House That Jack Built a fair 7/10 it’s ballsy very very ballsy given the fact that we see kids being murdered, but credit goes to Dillon and Ganz’s acting, these two actors gave a performance worthy of an Oscar (Ganz possibly a posthumous Oscar nod on account of his death earlier this year) any way guys I’ll catch ya later 🙂

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Mom And Dad, Murder… Children In Peril and Nicholas Cage Belting Out The Hokey Cokey

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

He certainly does, I’m not making that up he generally while he’s attempting to kill his children he belts out a rendition of the Hokey Cokey in traditional Nic Cage fashion… oh yeah the film, on with the review!

Mom and Dad stars well Nicholas Cage, Selma Blair, Zackary Arthur and Anne Winters as your typical bog standard suburban family, oh sorry might I add if you feel uneasy about child killing then please stop reading, I’m being serious just stop reading, oh you wanna read on? Well don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

So a mysterious static signal happens and all of a sudden thousands of parents kill their children, think Cell meets Cooties so anyway Selma Blair and Nic Cage attempt to kill their children played by Zackary Arthur and Anne Winters, the children have to attempt to stop their murdering psychopathic parents from doing so.

That’s pretty much it really, now let’s talk about the acting, you know full well what I’m on about yes I’m on about Nic Cage belting out the Hokey Cokey, that scene was the pinnacle highlight for me, I watched that scene for the first time and thought yep, that’s definitely sold it for me. The acting by Selma Blair though it’s pretty damn impressive as well but the real stars of the movie are the children.

They are so believable in this flick, points to them for sure, the older sister is good as is the little boy however, I do think they overdid with the child killing, I mean we see a fucking nine year old little girl get mercilessly wrecked by a meat tenderiser, yep… that happens, we also see a preteen get stabbed by some car keys by his own mother, yep again that happens, the film is billed as a black comedy and I whole heartedly support that statement.

The film has its fair share of gore but then the characters will throw in a witty one liner and you find yourself laughing your ass off, so Mom And Dad is a gory fucking hilarious movie trust me Nicholas Cage’s performance has to be witnessed I’m not making this shit up when I say overacting, I give Mom And Dad a 9/10 it’s brilliant it’s gory and damn hilarious too but as always guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

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Basket Case…. It’s Good But It’s Not Quite Carling

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

I love cheesy 70s and 80s horror, films like Sleepaway Camp, you know them sort of movies, those films are good but their not up there with the big boys which makes them enjoyable, because their different they don’t have the same horror tropes we see in today’s horror movies, sure their gory and they have the same shock value but I love the cheesy visual effects, films like Altered States, great film but really bad visual effects, Eraserhead great David Lynch film but cheesy visual effects.

Basket Case falls in to that category I mean I enjoyed it, it was good, thanks to thedevilsdvdbin for suggesting this film, go check out their blog they review some pretty good movies, anyway Basket Case was enjoyable, the effects were sub par and the story line is your bog standard revenge plot, conjoined twins get separated at birth against their will, and plot to get back at the doctor that performed the operation.

What I mean it’s good but not quite Carling is that well, I did enjoy it I really did, but I thought that it was over really fast, the run time of around 90 minutes flies by, this is one of those movies where if your in a rush and your going out and you want a quick movie to watch then Basket Case is the type of movie, I mentioned David Lynch in the first paragraph well this film reminds you of a David Lynch type movie, I’m guessing that the Basket Case’s director drew some sort of inspiration from the Blue Velvet director (that’s another brilliant film definitely check that out)

I give Basket Case a solid 8/10 it’s great just over really really quick in my opinion, again thanks to thedevilsdvdbin for suggesting this to me, this is going on my favourite films of all time list but as always guys catch ya later 🙂

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Only The Brave, One Of The Most Heartbreaking Movies About Real Life Heroes

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

I have the utmost respect for firefighters, how they risk their lives day in day out saving lives and protecting people, Only The Brave follows firefighters who risk their lives tackling the most brutal and devastating forest fires in Arizona, it follows the Granite Mountain Hot Shots, who tackle those fires head on.

Never have I cried at a film before, tell a lie Lone Survivor cried like a baby, but this, this is different, after a visit to a fire station last week with the cub scouts I volunteer at it got me thinking of one of my favourite all time films Backdraft, so I googled firefighting movies and Only The Brave came up, it came out last year and wasn’t really on my watch list, I watched it this weekend and this film wastes no time with its story.

Right at the end of the film we meet the tragic fire at Yarnell, this was soon to become one of the most heartbreaking scenes I have ever witnessed in a film, but first let me tell you who the Granite Mountain Hot Shots were, they were a small group of twenty firefighters who tackled forest fires in the Arizona region, they put their lives on the line to save villages, towns and civilians the tragedy at Yarnell claimed the lives of all but one of the firefighters, 19 sadly lost their lives at that fire.

At the end of the film we see a little fact, it was the worst loss of life since 9/11 we then see the real heroes and the people who played them, along with pictures of them and their families. This is where I lost it, I broke down and I bawled my eyes out, I honestly think that those brave and courageous men are heroes, no scrap that I don’t think I know that their heroes and the people of Arizona do too.

My heart goes out to the families of those brave and courageous men, I give Only The Brave a well deserved 100% until next time catch ya later

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A Quiet Place… Definitely One Of The Most Scariest Movies In Recent Time

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

Yep… it’s true… I went there, this really is one of the most scariest films in recent memory, directed by John Krasinski and starring John Krasinski, Emily Blunt, Millicent Simmonds and Noah Jupe.

The film follows the Abbott family trying to stay silent in a post apocalyptic world where blind creatures who are attracted by sound stalk and attack them. Now when I say sound I mean every single sound known to man these creatures can hear, this is what makes the film so terrifying, you are holding your breath every time a character moves or even drops something, for instance there’s a scene in the opening act, the family are in a pharmacy gathering medicine for the second youngest Marcus played by Noah Jupe, who looks like he has the flu, while gathering supplies the sister played by Millicent Simmonds, reaches for a toy for her younger brother Beau played by Cade Woodward, while reaching for the toy it slips from the shelf and narrowly misses hitting the floor.

You’ve seen this part in the trailer where their on the bridge and Beau starts playing with the toy, he is then attacked by the creatures or one of them to be precise, right now I did go and see this at the cinema which really is recommended, it’s a silent horror movie with only a little dialogue between the characters, after all they all communicate in sign language, the reason I’m telling you to go see it in the cinema is because you hear everything!!! And I mean everything!!! I did the fatal mistake of bringing a pack of Revels (their like a mish mash of different types of chocolate) now I tried okay I tried to open it as quietly and I would like to apologise to my local cinema goers who were sadly in that screen with me and my pack of noisy Revels.

Let me just say the almighty death stares cometh when your in the cinema if you cough death stares, you move death stares, you even whisper boom you guessed it death stares, coming out of the cinema when the film had finished and everyone was silent, one guy put his rubbish in the bin and it made a loud rustling noise, everyone looked round and yep you pretty much guessed it, death stares one guy yelled out “well done dude smooth, you’ve killed us all”

I came home put my keys in the door as silently as I could and walked through my house as silently as I could… this film ruined me mentally, as I’m typing this now I’m trying to be as silent as I can.

A quiet place is absolutely terrifying to say the least, the acting is amazing, the plot is amazing, to be fair John Krasinski is possibly one to watch out for with horror movies because this is one of the best films I have seen at the cinema this year by far final rating 10/10 it’s scary enough said, but as always guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

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The Titan… Plot Holes Aplenty Fill This Bog Standard Body Horror Sci Fi Whatever This Film Was Meant To Be

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

This is one of the films where you have to laugh because of how predictable it is, also with the amount of plot holes this film has, the film stars Sam Worthington in an Katherine forgetful role, Taylor Schilling plays his wife and rising star child actor Noah Jupe plays their son.

Sam Worthington plays Rick Janssen who was previously a war pilot in the conflict in Syria, he is chosen by Professor Martin played by Tom Wilkinson, basically scientists have found a moon on Saturn called Titan, they believe that humans can adapt and procreate on this moon by undergoing a series of changes to turn them in to a meta human, he undergoes the first part of treatment then his wife starts noticing several changes, for instance he can hold his breathe underwater for forty minutes, and can swim faster than any other human.

She also finds that his veins are turning black, she starts becoming suspicious of the treatment her husband is receiving and starts investigating. Right I’m stopping the plot details there because not a lot happens a few people here and there die and Rick becomes a meta human and tries to kill his family and the guys that treated him.

Right, now what was wrong with this movie, oh boy where to begin number uno, Titan… we know that it’s a moon on Saturn we learn about the gasses it has on the planet, that’s it… that’s all we learn about Titan, secondly Ricks wife basically tries to stop the scientists from treating Rick, basically trying to halt the treatment and to stop them from sending him to Titan… only when the end of the film comes oh guess whose on Titan… yep you guessed it Rick! In the end he does go to Titan, after all his wife tried to do she still gave the all clear to let him go.

Which brings me on to my third point… why the hell did she slip saline inject him with it so he could escape once he became the meta human, cried when the guards tried to take him away to send to Titan only to then send him up there anyway! This film was abysmal I mean it was everything that’s wrong with a sci-fi film these days Jesus Christ on a bike we never hear from Titan again nor do we get any mention of why Titan might be inhabitable.

Seriously give this film a miss, the acting is appalling, Sam Worthington is really really bad in this movie as is the actress who plays his wife, even Tom Wilkinson was awful, now don’t get me wrong I’ve seen the kid act in a few other films most recently Wonder and Suburbicon but even he is not that great, and I’m prone to praise child actors but good god my ten year old brother could act better than some of these people in this film… final rating 0/10 the acting and the plot are terrible, let me tell you I was happy when the credits rolled excelsior! I cried thank god that’s over as I turned to my sister who was laughing at the ridiculousness of what we watched.

But anyway guys until next time I will catch ya later my dudes!!!!

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Absolutely disgusting!!!

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

Okay for anybody in the U.K. reading this you might know what has just happened, a court in London has come out and said that a two year old child’s life support is to be switched off…. yes…. you heard me a child’s life support is to be switched off.

Two year old Alfie Evans kept on having seizures and has since been undiagnosed with this mysterious illness, Alfie’s parents have tried fighting for his life, after hearing about treatment in Italy and Munich that can help this poor little boy get the help he deserves, sadly the hospital and the courts today have denied he gets this treatment and the help this poor child so desperately needs, instead the hospital Alder Hey and the courts have decided that this Friday poor Alfie’s life support will be switched off and the child will sadly die!

This is absolutely disgusting my heart goes out to the parents at this terrible and heartbreaking time I wish there was Merle I could do to help, I have signed a petition online trying and attempting to help Alfie be released from Alder Hey CHILDREN’S hospital, yes I capitalised the children’s part because this is what Alder Hey are they are a children’s hospital they are all about saving the lives of children yet they want to let this child die, absolutely horrific.

To my followers wherever you are I say this… sign this petition for gods sake sign it here’s the link please for the love of god sign it, get this poor little boy the he desperately needshttps://www.change.org/p/we-demand-alder-hey-to-release-alfie-evans-to-a-hospital-of-his-parents-choice please sign this petition

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The Devil’s Rejects…. Who The Hell Requested This Movie Too Me!!!

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

I can take gore… no really I can… Cabin In The Woods that’s gory and I can take that…. the Final Destination franchise…. gory but again I can take that, The Devil’s Rejects take gore and raises it to 100% it’s disgusting like proper unfit for the squeamish gory, I’m squeamish okay I’ll admit but sorry excuse my language but fuck me sideways and call me Clive this film is just absolutely disgusting, I was gagging half of the time during this.

Now I’ve never seen a Rob Zombie movie and quite frankly after this film I don’t plan too, Rob Zombie’s films remind me of Eli Roth’s movies, you have to have a strong stomach to journey through Eli Roth’s movies, take Cabin Fever to this day I still can’t watch it because I feel physically sick to my stomach, The Green Inferno I can’t watch that at all, I switched it off at the forty minute mark. Now this film was requested to me via Twitter (@jackblake151 if you want to request a film to me) I got a message in my inbox saying in big capital letters DEVIL’S REJECTS!!!!! thank me later…. well thank you to whomever sent that request as I am now feeling very very sick indeed.

now by all means I’m not slating this movie I just didn’t like the gore at all, story wise it’s good and the acting by the anti heroes are great as well, sadly the gore let’s it down, although shout out to the child actor whose meant to look terrified but instead looks like he’s cracking up with laughter at the sight of his mum getting brutally knocked out by the clown character, so any who final rating…. I give this film a poorly 3/10 The plot is great and the acting is great as well however sadly the gore let’s it down immensely anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

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Clown, A Disgusting, Disturbing And Down Right Gory Ass Horror Flick

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

There’s a certain amount of gore I can take when it comes to horror movies, films like Final Destination I’m okay with, films like the Saw franchise I will not touch, then there’s Clown it’s produced by Eli Roth so you kinda get the feeling that it’s going to be disgusting, now it is disgusting but it’s disgusting in a way that makes me feel really uncomfortable, firstly I can take adults dying in horror films any day…. that sounded a lot better in my head but let me explain…. films like Final Destination I like because it doesn’t involve children dying in gruesome ways, that’s something I can’t take… at all like never.

Clown follows the story of a simple family man whose 10 year old son Jack is having birthday party, the clown they’ve hired has been double booked and cancels last minute, the dad finds an old clown costume in the house he’s trying to sell, so he goes home and entertains the children, only to fall asleep in the costume and wakes up with the costume fused to him, he try’s removing the nose but ends seriously injuring himself.

Now after this part he starts transforming in to a demon clown, he checks in to a motel where possibly one of the most adorable kid ever comes across him he offers to give him some food after hearing his stomach growl really loud, he tells the kid to simply stay away, the kid however come back while the dad is buzz sawing off his wig… now this is the first death we see, and while we see it offscreen we hear the saw blade rip through the little boy only seeing the exit wound it has left, immediately I thought oh it’s one of them movies where children die, great. After awhile we see the dad go through some really gruesome body changes, and a hunger for children,

His next port of call is an 11 year old boy who is home alone playing Xbox, he knocks over his drink and goes to get something to wipe it up, after seeing the back door open he goes and grabs some nunchucks, there he sees the clown and wonders why he’s there, we hear from his friend online that he bullied his son by rubbing glue in his face and calling his dad a fag because he dressed like a clown, he is then ripped apart by the clown and we hear offscreen the bloodcurdling scream from the boy and see what I’m guessing is a liver or his kidneys thrown at the TV… yep this film goes there with the gore factor, his next port of call is a place where every parent in America dreads to go Chuck-E-Cheese, we see a kid be dragged down like freakin jaws in to a ball pit, and then a boy is looking for his brother, he goes up the soft play area only to find his brother being eaten almost, just in the nick of time his brother gets away, only for him to be eaten alive by the killer clown, we see his body flung in to view and then his hand comes sliding down the slide in full view of kids and parents.

The mum ends up shooting the clown with the help of a guy she met but that part isn’t important we her the backstory of why the clown eats kids and all that, but anyway this film… wow there’s so many deaths I really didn’t enjoy it, I mean these kids die in the most horrific way possible it’s uncomfortable for me to of watched that, I personally want to know what the director was actually smoking or even thinking about in order to come up with this movie, it was horrible to watch, the acting was great however and the suspense was good too just the deaths seemed a little too much, I give this film a 3/10 it’s horrific seeing children die in movies and this film wastes no time in killing them.

Anyway guys that’s it from me see ya in the new year but as always until next time catch ya later 🙂

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Films That Dramatically, Epically Failed In 2017

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

2017 in my opinion was a great year for movies, we had adaptions, sequels and more reboots than you can shake a bucket of popcorn at, but that doesn’t mean that we’ve had some films that have flopped immensely this year, from dismal summer blockbusters to even more dismal winter openings, 2017 has had its fair share of epic flops, today we look back at just some of those films.

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGT

I loved the Transformers films when they came out before the 2010s but since then they have gotten more and more terrible, I had the displeasure of seeing this at the cinema back in the summer this year, Michael Bay really needs to get back in track with making original films like his Armageddon and Bad Boys days, but hey ho he’s probably going through a really bad dry spell, the film lost around 40 million in the US box office but succeeded overseas, it’s a shame because Anthony Hopkins was wasted on this film, such a great actor in such a horrible film.

GEOSTORM

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…. that’s what I have to say nothing else to it, okay you ready for the plot because believe me it’s laughable, you ready here we go… the government have created satellites for one purpose hahahahahaha you won’t believe what for, come closer I’ll tell ya… no seriously come closer to your screen *whispers… they use the satellites to control the weather by sending little pods from space down to earth…. yep oh and guess who saves the day… none other than Scotland’s very own action movie superhero who always saves the day, Gerard Butler…

The film earned an abysmal 13 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and for good reason to, the film was held back for various reshoots, when Jerry Bruckheimer came aboard, but alas he couldn’t save the film from scathing early reviews by the general public, you would think a film like that would’ve been pulled from release, but no they went ahead with the reshoots, and released it this year in October, the film performed miserably at the box office raking in a small amount of money.

BLADE RUNNER

“But Blade Runner was praised by critics” “it was a box office success” I hear you cry, but just like it’s predecessor it flopped dramatically, lack of marketing for this film was the main cause, plus it’s runtime clocking in at 163 minutes that’s nearly 3 hours, personally I liked it, it followed the original Blade Runner to a T but audiences were mostly at the cinema watching other movies rather than this one, but still, the original Blade Runner fans enjoyed.

POWER RANGERS

I was really looking forward to this early this year and I was so let down by how awful this movie was, Power Rangers was and still is my childhood, and swarms of nostalgia flowed through me during the trailers, it looked epic, however the pacing was terrible they spent so much time getting to know the characters rather than focus on the Power Rangers, they don’t even get in to their uniform until there’s 20 minutes of the film left, the film suffered massive blows nationwide in America and overseas and earned a dismal low rating on Rotten Tomatoes, looks like we won’t be getting the sequel to this bomb any time soon.

THE MUMMY

I love a good Tom Cruise film, however The Mummy was pretty much his worst, the film once again like Power Rangers it earned terrible reviews by critics, the film was supposed to launch a Dark Universe franchise but sadly poor reviews and a dismal box office run made the franchise nothing but an afterthought, so longtime Mummy fans will have to wait a teensy bit longer to see a franchise dawn from this.

GHOSTS IN THE SHELL

Oh boy this was a doozy, based on the critically acclaimed anime of the same name Ghosts In The Shell was surrounded by controversy right from the get go, mainly for the “whitewash” casting, the film starred Scarlett Johansson and earned really embarrassing reviews with critics, anime fans and movie goers started saying things about the casting mainly it’s lack of Japanese stars, since it’s well based off of an anime made in Japan.

MOTHER!

Darren Aronofsky, possibly one of Hollywoods underrated directors in my opinion, his visually stunning film The Fountain and his biblical epic Noah didn’t do well at the box office mainly because people didn’t like the religious themes, Mother! Done exactly the same thing and went all biblical on your ass, sadly a 60% rating on rotten tomatoes and poor box office sales sadly let mother slip in to the rank of box office bomb considering the cast of Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem.

So as you can see there have been some great movies this year and some major flops so with that theblakentorreviews would like to say a massive merry Christmas and here’s to a great 2018 but until next time guys catch ya later 🙂

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