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Films That Dramatically, Epically Failed In 2017

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

2017 in my opinion was a great year for movies, we had adaptions, sequels and more reboots than you can shake a bucket of popcorn at, but that doesn’t mean that we’ve had some films that have flopped immensely this year, from dismal summer blockbusters to even more dismal winter openings, 2017 has had its fair share of epic flops, today we look back at just some of those films.

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGT

I loved the Transformers films when they came out before the 2010s but since then they have gotten more and more terrible, I had the displeasure of seeing this at the cinema back in the summer this year, Michael Bay really needs to get back in track with making original films like his Armageddon and Bad Boys days, but hey ho he’s probably going through a really bad dry spell, the film lost around 40 million in the US box office but succeeded overseas, it’s a shame because Anthony Hopkins was wasted on this film, such a great actor in such a horrible film.

GEOSTORM

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…. that’s what I have to say nothing else to it, okay you ready for the plot because believe me it’s laughable, you ready here we go… the government have created satellites for one purpose hahahahahaha you won’t believe what for, come closer I’ll tell ya… no seriously come closer to your screen *whispers… they use the satellites to control the weather by sending little pods from space down to earth…. yep oh and guess who saves the day… none other than Scotland’s very own action movie superhero who always saves the day, Gerard Butler…

The film earned an abysmal 13 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and for good reason to, the film was held back for various reshoots, when Jerry Bruckheimer came aboard, but alas he couldn’t save the film from scathing early reviews by the general public, you would think a film like that would’ve been pulled from release, but no they went ahead with the reshoots, and released it this year in October, the film performed miserably at the box office raking in a small amount of money.

BLADE RUNNER

“But Blade Runner was praised by critics” “it was a box office success” I hear you cry, but just like it’s predecessor it flopped dramatically, lack of marketing for this film was the main cause, plus it’s runtime clocking in at 163 minutes that’s nearly 3 hours, personally I liked it, it followed the original Blade Runner to a T but audiences were mostly at the cinema watching other movies rather than this one, but still, the original Blade Runner fans enjoyed.

POWER RANGERS

I was really looking forward to this early this year and I was so let down by how awful this movie was, Power Rangers was and still is my childhood, and swarms of nostalgia flowed through me during the trailers, it looked epic, however the pacing was terrible they spent so much time getting to know the characters rather than focus on the Power Rangers, they don’t even get in to their uniform until there’s 20 minutes of the film left, the film suffered massive blows nationwide in America and overseas and earned a dismal low rating on Rotten Tomatoes, looks like we won’t be getting the sequel to this bomb any time soon.

THE MUMMY

I love a good Tom Cruise film, however The Mummy was pretty much his worst, the film once again like Power Rangers it earned terrible reviews by critics, the film was supposed to launch a Dark Universe franchise but sadly poor reviews and a dismal box office run made the franchise nothing but an afterthought, so longtime Mummy fans will have to wait a teensy bit longer to see a franchise dawn from this.

GHOSTS IN THE SHELL

Oh boy this was a doozy, based on the critically acclaimed anime of the same name Ghosts In The Shell was surrounded by controversy right from the get go, mainly for the “whitewash” casting, the film starred Scarlett Johansson and earned really embarrassing reviews with critics, anime fans and movie goers started saying things about the casting mainly it’s lack of Japanese stars, since it’s well based off of an anime made in Japan.

MOTHER!

Darren Aronofsky, possibly one of Hollywoods underrated directors in my opinion, his visually stunning film The Fountain and his biblical epic Noah didn’t do well at the box office mainly because people didn’t like the religious themes, Mother! Done exactly the same thing and went all biblical on your ass, sadly a 60% rating on rotten tomatoes and poor box office sales sadly let mother slip in to the rank of box office bomb considering the cast of Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem.

So as you can see there have been some great movies this year and some major flops so with that theblakentorreviews would like to say a massive merry Christmas and here’s to a great 2018 but until next time guys catch ya later 🙂

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Suburbicon: A Confusing Pile Of Rubbish Possibly The Coen Brothers And George Clooney’s Worst Film

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I was really looking forward to this movie, I love Matt Damon, he’s one of them actors where you can put him in any role and he will nail it every time, Suburbicon is possibly one of the worst films he has ever done I mean don’t get me wrong, he is great in this film but the film is a big pile of confusing plot holes.

Matt Damon plays a family man with a wife (Julian Moore) and son (Noah Jupe) and his wife’s sister (also played by Julian Moore) when a black family move in next door to them things in this peaceful idyllic town take a turn for the worst, Matt Damon’s home is invaded by two guys who tie up his family and give a dose of good old chloroform, but they accidentally give the wife an overdose and she dies, the sister then quickly becomes the sons guardian and second mum, but as the film goes on she starts to become more like the wife including dying her hair blonde just like the mum.

There’s also a murder mystery plot somewhere but the film is just really confusing to follow, I.e there’s to many things going on at once to follow what’s going on, but nonetheless the acting is awesome Matt Damon is great as is Julianne Moore as the deranged lunatic sister Noah Jupe is great in this as well as the son, the setting is amazing, George Clooney does capture the fifties suburbia really well, it’s just the plot that lets this film down dramatically, final rating 5/10 the acting is great and so is the setting just the plot is a big letdown anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

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Justice League: It’s Good But It’s Not Quite Carling

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It’s okay, I myself am a DC fan but I’m more of a Marvel fanboy to be quite honest with you, but nonetheless the film was okay even if you get past the corny CGI fight scenes.

I was quite looking forward to this movie and like Suicide Squad I built it up and built it up, when I went to see it I was severely disappointed, it was such a letdown Justice League is the same, I built it up and when went to see it I was again severely disappointed, the film is long and dull the CGI is terrible and the plot is awful, I love Zach Snyder, go watch Watchmen that’s a great film, but my god this is possibly one of the films that I dislike of his, Batman vs Superman was great sure it had its flaws but it was great.

The acting was great, I forgot to mention that, the guy who plays The Flash was hilarious and the guy who played Aquaman was good as well, I’m still having second thoughts about Ben Affleck and Batman though, I can’t get used to it, no one can ever replace Christian Bale as Batman, but hey ho a new actor comes and goes all the time, I can’t exactly remember the plot because I was that bored, I was more focused on the awful CGI, anyway Justice League, it’s good but it’s not quite Carling if you get my drift, I mean it’s good but not that good I’ll give Justice League a 3/10 it’s okay but not the best, but until next time guys catch ya later 🙂

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Wonder… One Of The Most Heartbreaking Films That Every Parent Needs Their Children To See

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A film needs a good moral, take Disney, they have really good morals like believe in yourself and dreams can come true if you make them, Wonder has one of them morals that every parent needs to teach their children choose kindness, I speak from the heart with this one and this film affected me in way that no film has ever done before, I felt connected to the story because I have a brother who had a cleft lip and palate, and he went through so many surgeries to repair it that he’s left with a permanent scar on his lip, and on top of that he has ginger hair, a trait that bullies just adore, he’s ten going on eleven and he is everything to me, I love him more than anything in the world, as irritating as he may be he is still my brother and I am grateful to have him in my life.

I felt emotional during this movie mainly because of my brother but mostly due to the fact that this film tackles bullying a lot, something that I have been through in my childhood and all the way up until I was sixteen, I was bullied in primary school by a boy whose name I shall not mention but he made my life a living hell, he would throw my coat down the toilet, throw it in the girls bathroom, punch, kick and hit me, but the worst thing he did was made me out to look invisible to the whole class, no one would talk to me and I felt like an outsider to my class, exactly how Auggie feels in the movie.

Secondary school was a whole new kettle of fish, as this was the first time I had heard the word rumour, there were rumours about me left right and centre, year seven I was picked on by another boy, he would make me paranoid about the littlest things… okay I went to a special needs school and when you have special needs you take things quite literally, for instance year 9 came and the summer holidays were upon us, I spent every single day up in my room because this kid said he spoke to the headteacher/principal of the school and they were going to put me in the mental hospital, he said expect any day from now an ambulance coming for you. Summer 2009 was the worst summer ever because I was very very paranoid, so much so I developed a fear of ambulances, because I thought they were taking me away, and to this day I still do have a fear of ambulances, while not as big as when I was fourteen/fifteen the fear is still there.

Year 11 was the year I finally stood up to him (yeah it took me five years) I would just ignore him and if he said anything I would ignore him until it became such an issue with him, I remember this day like it was yesterday, because this was the day I found out why he bullied me for five years… he felt sorry for me!!!! I remember looking at him thinking “well that’s an odd way of showing someone that you feel sorry for them”

I have never spoken about this at all for years now that I’ve got it down in writing, parents I’m speaking to you, show your children this, talk to them make them feel like they have nothing to worry about, let them tell you everything word from word if they are getting bullied, and kids I say this, stand up! Stand up to the bullies who are picking on you because of what you look like or your hair colour or your fashion sense, stand up to those bullies and say I’m not afraid of you, you have nothing to worry about with bullies they are nothing don’t let them ruin your education, don’t take days off because the bully says he/she’s going to beat you up tomorrow, don’t fake being ill say something, say something to your parents, teachers, friends, family and even the headteacher/principal talk to any members of staff, they are there to help.

But most importantly choose kind, choose kindness, go out and do a good deed be friendly to people make someone’s day, this film teaches you to be kind and the moral is fantastic in this film, there’s a great quote that Julia Roberts’s character says in this film “your heart is the map to where you are going, the scars on your face is the map to where you’ve been” that is now my favourite quote of all time thanks to this film, trust me there’s more amazing quotes like “why blend in when you were born to stand out”

I give wonder a massive 10/10 the message in this movie is amazing and relatable to children who have been through bullying the acting is superb, massive praise for Jacob Tremblay who plays Auggie Pullman he does an outstanding job in this film as does the other cast members in this flick, but parents do me a massive favour show your children this film and get them to choose kindness, and if their being bullied talk to them. Until next time guys catch ya later 🙂 🙂 🙂

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Triangle………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

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How……. What……….. what………… Triangle.

I…. I don’t even know where to begin with this film, even now as I type this I’m like what!!?? Huh what just happened. I’m going to try and explain the plot as I go while it’s still fresh in my mind, right so there’s a woman called jess who has an autistic son, now she goes on a yacht trip with a few friends, they encounter a storm and come across a cruise ship. Okay now this is where you are going to get lost so please try and follow okay, okay good.

So we open up on Jess cleaning up and saying to her son who is clearly distressed crying his eyes out, Jess tells him it’s a bad dream and to forget what happened, she then puts a suitcase in to the car and “drives” to the harbour, the air quotes will make sense trust me that’s not a typo. So off she goes to the harbour and boards the yacht, while they get caught in a storm and hear a “distress signal” again air quotes not a typo, so after the storm they come across a cruise ship. Oh did I mention about the doorbell ringing, no? Well the doorbell rings at Jess’s home she answers and no one is there.

They board the boat after seeing someone on board, remember this, oh remember the opening scene as well just pay really good attention, anyway they find no one on board, as they search the boat they come across Jess’s keys, confused they start hearing noises such as footsteps, now a guy called Victor checks out the noises, the rest of the group join in the theatre, Jess hangs back as Victor comes back with blood pouring from his head, angry he tries to strangle Jess, she then kills Victor, after hearing a gunshot she runs to the theatre to see one of the group has been shot, then suddenly a stranger in a burlap mask shoots the reaming group, Jess is still alive and goes on the run, she comes across the burlap person and a fight ensues, Jess wins, only for the burlap stranger to say “they will return and when they do kill them”

All of a sudden we here cries for help and then we meet our characters as they were when their yacht got overturned in the storm… remember when they saw someone on the boat… well that was Jess… you still with me clause let me tell you we haven’t even gotten started yet. So Jess and her gang from the yacht board the boat again, Jess who… see I can’t even explain it in words, it’s so confusing. Basically Victor was injured by Jess, that Jess was the one whose keys were found, there’s thing thing about a loop, and to end it Jess must kill the people who we see die in the first half.

Now she ends up completing the loop and turns out she was the one who was in the burlap sack, she falls over board and wakes up ashore on a beach, she runs home to her son, but wait it turns out that we are back in the opening scene… are still with me here!!!!! My god please let me know if you are still following me… anyway Jess goes and kills the Jess we saw in the opening scene, it turns out that Jess is the one who said to her son it’s just a bad dream…. thus leading to her dropping the suitcase of previous Jess’s body in to her car, now she drives with her son in the car, while driving they hit a seagull, trust me the seagull is pivotal at this moment!! Just bear with me people I’m trying!!! Jess dumps the seagull over in to the sand thus we see a whole dead pile of seagulls indicating that Jess is still in a loop, anyway off they go then they have a crash both Jess and her son die, then we see yet another Jess!!!!!!!!! who says to a cab driver drop me off at the harbour, to which we see the very start of the movie where Jess boards the boat!!!!!

*out of breath breathing…. my god.

This film… oh god this film was…. was…. so confusing, it makes inception look like a walk in the park… oh boy… please comment if this confused you, final rating 10/10 it’s amazing it’s confusing, it’s a wild ride let me tell you, anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

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Apt Pupil…. So Uncomfortable I Had To Switch It Off

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

This is the first film I have ever walked away from, no scrap that the second film I’ve walked away from (the first was Seabiscuit) however Seabiscuit was boring and as a seven year old you wanna see some action and not just a bunch of horses racing. But I digress I walked away from Apt Pupil not because it was boring, but because it was so very very uncomfortable to sit through, I got around to about half an hour and then I though no, I came over all sick And and started shaking, no other film has done that me ever.

Now your probably wondering why on earth did it make you feel like that I’ve seen it and I liked the film, let me tell you a story, when I was about fourteen/fifteen we had a WW2 themed day, we had food from the forties music and all, but I had possibly the most depressing time that day, mainly because I was dumped by a girl whom of which I loved but hey ho shit happens, on top of that we had a Holocaust survivor come in and tell us about his time in the concentration camps. This guy had been to everyone of them including Auschwitz, we’ve all learnt about the holocaust from the survivors, we’ve seen the documentaries on the television, Apt Pupil is a whole new kettle of fish as we hear stories from the other side i.e the Nazis side.

Brad Renfro plays a teen who meets Thomas Dencker played by Ian Mckellen, he plays a Nazi war criminal who done horrific things back in WW2 and believe me we hear everything, or from what I heard up until I turned it off, Dencker goes off on how he gassed the Jewish how he tortured them, and believe me when I say he goes into great detail about this. Renfro then decides to go out and buy a Nazi uniform which might I add why the hell a costume shop even has one for sale, he buys and forces Dencker to wear it making him march on the spot. This is where I turned it off, seeing someone fascinated by this guy and his stories, even going as far as blackmailing him to get these stories is not what I want to be watching, you don’t even know who your rooting for in this movie.

This is by far the most uncomfortable movie I have ever had the displeasure of actually watching, plus I went in totally blind as I didn’t have a clue what the film was about, final rating 0/10 it’s uncomfortable to watch, and really really depressing in some cases anyway guys until next time catch ya later oh by the way little known fact it’s actually a Stephen King adaption, which I had no clue about

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Flatliners…. Just Why

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There are some remakes that are destined to be remade, and then there are some that bestow that old age saying and I quote “don’t fix what isn’t broken” Flatliners falls in to is category, sure the original which was released way back in the early 90s was okay at best but this is still one film that should never ever be remade like ever.

Flatliners follows the story of college grad students who undertake an experiment, which is basically to die experience the afterlife and then be bought back to life only for them to start hallucinating and seeing things. Now sounds interesting, the nineties version is fantastic regarding the story, pacing and visuals, this 2017 remake looks cheesy, tacky and just really really bad visually, trust me read my Dark Tower review and you will see that I hated that movie, this movie, oh boy hate isn’t even the word to describe this movie, it was garbage absolute garbage, the pacing seemed fast and the visuals were god awfully terrible the acting was…. pardon my potty mouth but SHIT!!!!!

This is only a short review because there is nothing else to say about this movie don’t waste your money and go see Blade Runner (which far superior than this pile of horseshit) Final rating 0/10 it’s awful anyway guys I’ll catch ya later 🙂

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Lord Of The Flies, Eye Opening, Thought Provoking, Stays With You Long After The Credits Roll

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

One of my top ten favourite books ever has to be Lord Of The Flies, the reason being is I love a good book that makes you think long after you’ve read the final chapter Lord Of The Flies does exactly that, for those who are unfamiliar with this story then never fear I will tell you.

The book follows the story of a group of boys who crash land after a plane crash on a deserted tropical paradise, the boys then come up with the plan whoever holds a conch shell gets to talk, you can see where this is going can’t you, anyway it doesn’t all go to plan and the boys split up in to two different camps, one camp wants to try and get off the island while the others want to hunt and kill, the theme is simple… no matter how old you are we will all at some point go back to the cavemen days, even children.

Now there are two adaptions one in the sixties and the other in the early nineties, the sixties adaption is true too the book whereas the nineties adaption strays from the source material with minor detail, instead of World War Two evacuees they are military school boys, the sixties is by far the most superior to the book, but don’t get me wrong the nineties version is good while it may have its flaws it’s still pretty enjoyable even if it does stray off from the source material it is adapted from. The reason why I’m reviewing this particular movie is because Hollywood is making an all female version of the film.

Yes…. yes you heard me Hollywood are making an all female version of the film, just like they did with Ghostbusters, which to be fair I enjoyed, but this however I’m having a little bit of a hard time progressing this, I mean it’s a good idea but is it really necessary, I mean don’t take this the wrong way and I mean absolutely no offence by this but why does Hollywood need to remake everything all female…. I don’t mean to offend anyone but that’s my opinion you can hate me in the comments but please keep it clean (I am still a person) now that’s been said what do you think about this, especially book lovers like myself, let me know, but until next time guys catch ya later 🙂

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YES YES YES YES PLEASE LET THIS BE TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! I am so hyped right now it’s just come out this week and IT director Andy Muschietti is in the run in for a Pet Semetary remake…… yes you heard me correctly one of my favourite Stephen King novels could be remade.

Can you tell I am excited like honestly Pet Semetary is probably one of my favourite King novels and to hear that the director of IT may be directing it, after waiting for the sequel to be green lit which in all fairness is going to be considering that IT is still smashing box office records, Muschietti has said that he would love to direct it because he feels the the original wasn’t true to the source material.

In all fairness I loved the original, it was creepy and all round terrifying, but to see a modern adaptation happen one could only dream, this is one of the movies I really wanted to be remade, that and Misery and a Cujo remake but hey let’s not get to excited, as Guillermo Del Toro says he wants to direct, personally I want the IT director as he did IT justice and kept it true to the book, Del Toro on the other hand has made some gems in his day however I myself didn’t like Pacific Rim or Crimson Peak, but loved Pans Labyrinth.

While this may be a rumour I sincerely hope it isn’t as I want this film to be remade for sure, phew!! Okay that’s my excitement vented out, anyway what’s everyone’s favourite Stephen King book for me it has to be Carrie or Needful Things…… hey……. Needful Things……. there’s another King adaption that has to be made damn someone get on to Hollywood now! this is a great idea. Anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

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Films With Amazing Soundtracks

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

Hey you know what I haven’t done in ages a good old top ten list, two years ago was the last top 10 list I had done so I thought it’s about time I’d do another one, this time I thought I’d countdown the films that are really good but the soundtracks are even better, and to kick of this list let’s start with a review I done six days ago.

10. IT (2017)

I loved this film, this is my number one film of 2017 the scares are great as are the cast, but the soundtrack is brilliant, we have songs from The Jam all the way to INXS even The Cure and The Cult make an appearance, trust me this is a soundtrack for all you 80s lovers out there and even a good old nostalgic trip for people who lived and were bought up in the 80s, trust me this is a soundtrack worth listening too.

9. The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Haunting

Another horror entry to the list, I was surprised to hear some great songs during this film, during the 1 hour runtime we hear songs like I Started A Joke from the Bee Gees, then we hear a little bit of Elvis with Can’t Help Falling In Love With You, all the way up to The Clash’s London Calling, a surprisingly brilliant soundtrack once again, this is one that is really worth listening too.

8. Pete’s Dragon (2016)

Oh this was a great film it was sad, funny and above all it had a great soundtrack, we hear songs from Leonard Cohen and The Lumineers, trust me this is another great soundtrack, best of all these are all on Spotify, no seriously there’s a whole album with the songs used in this film, my personal favourite song is So Long Marianne by Leonard Cohen, once again another great soundtrack.

7. Casino

“Why the hell is Casino way down near the bottom that had a great soundtrack” I hear you screaming at me, nonetheless it’s a great film all together think Goodfellas if it were set in Vegas, the soundtrack features The Rolling Stones and many more amazing tracks, but the best song on the list has to be House Of The Rising Sun by The Animals, the scene that accompanies it is amazing and quite possibly one of the best scenes in the film, that and how they catch the cheat in one of the casinos, the film is a treat to watch and one of the best soundtracks ever to a film.

6. Reservoir Dogs

Tarantino’s outstanding debut film is truly an iconic piece of cinema and a film that truly has stood the test of time, the film itself is great but the soundtrack is fantastic, from the opening Little Green Bag, all the way up to the infamous ear scene stuck In The Middle With You, now if you haven’t seen this film then….. where the hell have you been do yourself a favour and go watch this movie it’s a great double crossing gangster heist movie.

5. Stand By Me

This oh my god is one of my favourite films of all time, I have seen it so many times, this is one of the only films I can say I can relate to, and the final line in this flick is something to be remembered “friends come in and out of our lives like busboys in restaurants” that quote is so true to this day because it’s right, we say hi to new friends and say bye to the old ones I haven’t spoken to any of my friends I had when I was twelve apart from one who is now quite possibly one of my best friends to this day, any way without getting to deep, the soundtrack is amazing I love 50s music a lot and this film has a lot of that, but the song that stands out during this is of course Stand By Me by Ben E. King.

4. Schindler’s List

Emotionally draining yet an important film to watch as it highlights the tragic and brutal things that happened during the Second World War the music in this is haunting and just plain sad, from the time we meet the girl in the red coat, to the emotional ending, this scene in particular is where the floodgates open from the haunting violin of Ishtak Perlman to the eerie piano as the credits roll.

3. Kingsman: The Secret Service

An epic spy film with one of the most impressive soundtracks ever, I’ve even had a look at the soundtrack for the sequel that looks impressive too, but the best scene in this one has to be the infamous church scene, where Colin Firth’s character battles it out to Lynrd Skynrd’s Free Bird, trust me that’s not a scene to be missed.

2. Pulp Fiction

Another classic from Tarantino this however has one of the most amazing songs featured in it, including You Never Can Tell by the legendary Chuck Berry, Urge Overkill’s Girl You’ll Be A Woman Soon and the classic opening titles scene, trust me this is one of the best soundtracks to a film you will ever hear.

1. Goodfellas

The number one slot goes to Scorsese’s epic crime story Goodfella, this is my number one favourite film of all time and one I can watch over and over again this is an absolute classic film, but the soundtrack is the most impressive ever best of all is it goes through the years from the 50s all the way up till the 80s, trust me look for the soundtrack on Spotify and thank me later.

And that’s it, a countdown of the top ten films with amazing soundtracks but until next time guys catch ya later 🙂

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