Tag: Horror

Uncategorized

The Titan… Plot Holes Aplenty Fill This Bog Standard Body Horror Sci Fi Whatever This Film Was Meant To Be

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

This is one of the films where you have to laugh because of how predictable it is, also with the amount of plot holes this film has, the film stars Sam Worthington in an Katherine forgetful role, Taylor Schilling plays his wife and rising star child actor Noah Jupe plays their son.

Sam Worthington plays Rick Janssen who was previously a war pilot in the conflict in Syria, he is chosen by Professor Martin played by Tom Wilkinson, basically scientists have found a moon on Saturn called Titan, they believe that humans can adapt and procreate on this moon by undergoing a series of changes to turn them in to a meta human, he undergoes the first part of treatment then his wife starts noticing several changes, for instance he can hold his breathe underwater for forty minutes, and can swim faster than any other human.

She also finds that his veins are turning black, she starts becoming suspicious of the treatment her husband is receiving and starts investigating. Right I’m stopping the plot details there because not a lot happens a few people here and there die and Rick becomes a meta human and tries to kill his family and the guys that treated him.

Right, now what was wrong with this movie, oh boy where to begin number uno, Titan… we know that it’s a moon on Saturn we learn about the gasses it has on the planet, that’s it… that’s all we learn about Titan, secondly Ricks wife basically tries to stop the scientists from treating Rick, basically trying to halt the treatment and to stop them from sending him to Titan… only when the end of the film comes oh guess whose on Titan… yep you guessed it Rick! In the end he does go to Titan, after all his wife tried to do she still gave the all clear to let him go.

Which brings me on to my third point… why the hell did she slip saline inject him with it so he could escape once he became the meta human, cried when the guards tried to take him away to send to Titan only to then send him up there anyway! This film was abysmal I mean it was everything that’s wrong with a sci-fi film these days Jesus Christ on a bike we never hear from Titan again nor do we get any mention of why Titan might be inhabitable.

Seriously give this film a miss, the acting is appalling, Sam Worthington is really really bad in this movie as is the actress who plays his wife, even Tom Wilkinson was awful, now don’t get me wrong I’ve seen the kid act in a few other films most recently Wonder and Suburbicon but even he is not that great, and I’m prone to praise child actors but good god my ten year old brother could act better than some of these people in this film… final rating 0/10 the acting and the plot are terrible, let me tell you I was happy when the credits rolled excelsior! I cried thank god that’s over as I turned to my sister who was laughing at the ridiculousness of what we watched.

But anyway guys until next time I will catch ya later my dudes!!!!

4
Uncategorized

The Devil’s Rejects…. Who The Hell Requested This Movie Too Me!!!

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

I can take gore… no really I can… Cabin In The Woods that’s gory and I can take that…. the Final Destination franchise…. gory but again I can take that, The Devil’s Rejects take gore and raises it to 100% it’s disgusting like proper unfit for the squeamish gory, I’m squeamish okay I’ll admit but sorry excuse my language but fuck me sideways and call me Clive this film is just absolutely disgusting, I was gagging half of the time during this.

Now I’ve never seen a Rob Zombie movie and quite frankly after this film I don’t plan too, Rob Zombie’s films remind me of Eli Roth’s movies, you have to have a strong stomach to journey through Eli Roth’s movies, take Cabin Fever to this day I still can’t watch it because I feel physically sick to my stomach, The Green Inferno I can’t watch that at all, I switched it off at the forty minute mark. Now this film was requested to me via Twitter (@jackblake151 if you want to request a film to me) I got a message in my inbox saying in big capital letters DEVIL’S REJECTS!!!!! thank me later…. well thank you to whomever sent that request as I am now feeling very very sick indeed.

now by all means I’m not slating this movie I just didn’t like the gore at all, story wise it’s good and the acting by the anti heroes are great as well, sadly the gore let’s it down, although shout out to the child actor whose meant to look terrified but instead looks like he’s cracking up with laughter at the sight of his mum getting brutally knocked out by the clown character, so any who final rating…. I give this film a poorly 3/10 The plot is great and the acting is great as well however sadly the gore let’s it down immensely anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

6
Uncategorized

Clown, A Disgusting, Disturbing And Down Right Gory Ass Horror Flick

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

There’s a certain amount of gore I can take when it comes to horror movies, films like Final Destination I’m okay with, films like the Saw franchise I will not touch, then there’s Clown it’s produced by Eli Roth so you kinda get the feeling that it’s going to be disgusting, now it is disgusting but it’s disgusting in a way that makes me feel really uncomfortable, firstly I can take adults dying in horror films any day…. that sounded a lot better in my head but let me explain…. films like Final Destination I like because it doesn’t involve children dying in gruesome ways, that’s something I can’t take… at all like never.

Clown follows the story of a simple family man whose 10 year old son Jack is having birthday party, the clown they’ve hired has been double booked and cancels last minute, the dad finds an old clown costume in the house he’s trying to sell, so he goes home and entertains the children, only to fall asleep in the costume and wakes up with the costume fused to him, he try’s removing the nose but ends seriously injuring himself.

Now after this part he starts transforming in to a demon clown, he checks in to a motel where possibly one of the most adorable kid ever comes across him he offers to give him some food after hearing his stomach growl really loud, he tells the kid to simply stay away, the kid however come back while the dad is buzz sawing off his wig… now this is the first death we see, and while we see it offscreen we hear the saw blade rip through the little boy only seeing the exit wound it has left, immediately I thought oh it’s one of them movies where children die, great. After awhile we see the dad go through some really gruesome body changes, and a hunger for children,

His next port of call is an 11 year old boy who is home alone playing Xbox, he knocks over his drink and goes to get something to wipe it up, after seeing the back door open he goes and grabs some nunchucks, there he sees the clown and wonders why he’s there, we hear from his friend online that he bullied his son by rubbing glue in his face and calling his dad a fag because he dressed like a clown, he is then ripped apart by the clown and we hear offscreen the bloodcurdling scream from the boy and see what I’m guessing is a liver or his kidneys thrown at the TV… yep this film goes there with the gore factor, his next port of call is a place where every parent in America dreads to go Chuck-E-Cheese, we see a kid be dragged down like freakin jaws in to a ball pit, and then a boy is looking for his brother, he goes up the soft play area only to find his brother being eaten almost, just in the nick of time his brother gets away, only for him to be eaten alive by the killer clown, we see his body flung in to view and then his hand comes sliding down the slide in full view of kids and parents.

The mum ends up shooting the clown with the help of a guy she met but that part isn’t important we her the backstory of why the clown eats kids and all that, but anyway this film… wow there’s so many deaths I really didn’t enjoy it, I mean these kids die in the most horrific way possible it’s uncomfortable for me to of watched that, I personally want to know what the director was actually smoking or even thinking about in order to come up with this movie, it was horrible to watch, the acting was great however and the suspense was good too just the deaths seemed a little too much, I give this film a 3/10 it’s horrific seeing children die in movies and this film wastes no time in killing them.

Anyway guys that’s it from me see ya in the new year but as always until next time catch ya later 🙂

1
Uncategorized

Films That Dramatically, Epically Failed In 2017

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

2017 in my opinion was a great year for movies, we had adaptions, sequels and more reboots than you can shake a bucket of popcorn at, but that doesn’t mean that we’ve had some films that have flopped immensely this year, from dismal summer blockbusters to even more dismal winter openings, 2017 has had its fair share of epic flops, today we look back at just some of those films.

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGT

I loved the Transformers films when they came out before the 2010s but since then they have gotten more and more terrible, I had the displeasure of seeing this at the cinema back in the summer this year, Michael Bay really needs to get back in track with making original films like his Armageddon and Bad Boys days, but hey ho he’s probably going through a really bad dry spell, the film lost around 40 million in the US box office but succeeded overseas, it’s a shame because Anthony Hopkins was wasted on this film, such a great actor in such a horrible film.

GEOSTORM

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…. that’s what I have to say nothing else to it, okay you ready for the plot because believe me it’s laughable, you ready here we go… the government have created satellites for one purpose hahahahahaha you won’t believe what for, come closer I’ll tell ya… no seriously come closer to your screen *whispers… they use the satellites to control the weather by sending little pods from space down to earth…. yep oh and guess who saves the day… none other than Scotland’s very own action movie superhero who always saves the day, Gerard Butler…

The film earned an abysmal 13 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and for good reason to, the film was held back for various reshoots, when Jerry Bruckheimer came aboard, but alas he couldn’t save the film from scathing early reviews by the general public, you would think a film like that would’ve been pulled from release, but no they went ahead with the reshoots, and released it this year in October, the film performed miserably at the box office raking in a small amount of money.

BLADE RUNNER

“But Blade Runner was praised by critics” “it was a box office success” I hear you cry, but just like it’s predecessor it flopped dramatically, lack of marketing for this film was the main cause, plus it’s runtime clocking in at 163 minutes that’s nearly 3 hours, personally I liked it, it followed the original Blade Runner to a T but audiences were mostly at the cinema watching other movies rather than this one, but still, the original Blade Runner fans enjoyed.

POWER RANGERS

I was really looking forward to this early this year and I was so let down by how awful this movie was, Power Rangers was and still is my childhood, and swarms of nostalgia flowed through me during the trailers, it looked epic, however the pacing was terrible they spent so much time getting to know the characters rather than focus on the Power Rangers, they don’t even get in to their uniform until there’s 20 minutes of the film left, the film suffered massive blows nationwide in America and overseas and earned a dismal low rating on Rotten Tomatoes, looks like we won’t be getting the sequel to this bomb any time soon.

THE MUMMY

I love a good Tom Cruise film, however The Mummy was pretty much his worst, the film once again like Power Rangers it earned terrible reviews by critics, the film was supposed to launch a Dark Universe franchise but sadly poor reviews and a dismal box office run made the franchise nothing but an afterthought, so longtime Mummy fans will have to wait a teensy bit longer to see a franchise dawn from this.

GHOSTS IN THE SHELL

Oh boy this was a doozy, based on the critically acclaimed anime of the same name Ghosts In The Shell was surrounded by controversy right from the get go, mainly for the “whitewash” casting, the film starred Scarlett Johansson and earned really embarrassing reviews with critics, anime fans and movie goers started saying things about the casting mainly it’s lack of Japanese stars, since it’s well based off of an anime made in Japan.

MOTHER!

Darren Aronofsky, possibly one of Hollywoods underrated directors in my opinion, his visually stunning film The Fountain and his biblical epic Noah didn’t do well at the box office mainly because people didn’t like the religious themes, Mother! Done exactly the same thing and went all biblical on your ass, sadly a 60% rating on rotten tomatoes and poor box office sales sadly let mother slip in to the rank of box office bomb considering the cast of Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem.

So as you can see there have been some great movies this year and some major flops so with that theblakentorreviews would like to say a massive merry Christmas and here’s to a great 2018 but until next time guys catch ya later 🙂

0
Uncategorized

Triangle………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

How……. What……….. what………… Triangle.

I…. I don’t even know where to begin with this film, even now as I type this I’m like what!!?? Huh what just happened. I’m going to try and explain the plot as I go while it’s still fresh in my mind, right so there’s a woman called jess who has an autistic son, now she goes on a yacht trip with a few friends, they encounter a storm and come across a cruise ship. Okay now this is where you are going to get lost so please try and follow okay, okay good.

So we open up on Jess cleaning up and saying to her son who is clearly distressed crying his eyes out, Jess tells him it’s a bad dream and to forget what happened, she then puts a suitcase in to the car and “drives” to the harbour, the air quotes will make sense trust me that’s not a typo. So off she goes to the harbour and boards the yacht, while they get caught in a storm and hear a “distress signal” again air quotes not a typo, so after the storm they come across a cruise ship. Oh did I mention about the doorbell ringing, no? Well the doorbell rings at Jess’s home she answers and no one is there.

They board the boat after seeing someone on board, remember this, oh remember the opening scene as well just pay really good attention, anyway they find no one on board, as they search the boat they come across Jess’s keys, confused they start hearing noises such as footsteps, now a guy called Victor checks out the noises, the rest of the group join in the theatre, Jess hangs back as Victor comes back with blood pouring from his head, angry he tries to strangle Jess, she then kills Victor, after hearing a gunshot she runs to the theatre to see one of the group has been shot, then suddenly a stranger in a burlap mask shoots the reaming group, Jess is still alive and goes on the run, she comes across the burlap person and a fight ensues, Jess wins, only for the burlap stranger to say “they will return and when they do kill them”

All of a sudden we here cries for help and then we meet our characters as they were when their yacht got overturned in the storm… remember when they saw someone on the boat… well that was Jess… you still with me clause let me tell you we haven’t even gotten started yet. So Jess and her gang from the yacht board the boat again, Jess who… see I can’t even explain it in words, it’s so confusing. Basically Victor was injured by Jess, that Jess was the one whose keys were found, there’s thing thing about a loop, and to end it Jess must kill the people who we see die in the first half.

Now she ends up completing the loop and turns out she was the one who was in the burlap sack, she falls over board and wakes up ashore on a beach, she runs home to her son, but wait it turns out that we are back in the opening scene… are still with me here!!!!! My god please let me know if you are still following me… anyway Jess goes and kills the Jess we saw in the opening scene, it turns out that Jess is the one who said to her son it’s just a bad dream…. thus leading to her dropping the suitcase of previous Jess’s body in to her car, now she drives with her son in the car, while driving they hit a seagull, trust me the seagull is pivotal at this moment!! Just bear with me people I’m trying!!! Jess dumps the seagull over in to the sand thus we see a whole dead pile of seagulls indicating that Jess is still in a loop, anyway off they go then they have a crash both Jess and her son die, then we see yet another Jess!!!!!!!!! who says to a cab driver drop me off at the harbour, to which we see the very start of the movie where Jess boards the boat!!!!!

*out of breath breathing…. my god.

This film… oh god this film was…. was…. so confusing, it makes inception look like a walk in the park… oh boy… please comment if this confused you, final rating 10/10 it’s amazing it’s confusing, it’s a wild ride let me tell you, anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

0
Uncategorized

Flatliners…. Just Why

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

There are some remakes that are destined to be remade, and then there are some that bestow that old age saying and I quote “don’t fix what isn’t broken” Flatliners falls in to is category, sure the original which was released way back in the early 90s was okay at best but this is still one film that should never ever be remade like ever.

Flatliners follows the story of college grad students who undertake an experiment, which is basically to die experience the afterlife and then be bought back to life only for them to start hallucinating and seeing things. Now sounds interesting, the nineties version is fantastic regarding the story, pacing and visuals, this 2017 remake looks cheesy, tacky and just really really bad visually, trust me read my Dark Tower review and you will see that I hated that movie, this movie, oh boy hate isn’t even the word to describe this movie, it was garbage absolute garbage, the pacing seemed fast and the visuals were god awfully terrible the acting was…. pardon my potty mouth but SHIT!!!!!

This is only a short review because there is nothing else to say about this movie don’t waste your money and go see Blade Runner (which far superior than this pile of horseshit) Final rating 0/10 it’s awful anyway guys I’ll catch ya later 🙂

0
Uncategorized

YES YES YES YES PLEASE LET THIS BE TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! I am so hyped right now it’s just come out this week and IT director Andy Muschietti is in the run in for a Pet Semetary remake…… yes you heard me correctly one of my favourite Stephen King novels could be remade.

Can you tell I am excited like honestly Pet Semetary is probably one of my favourite King novels and to hear that the director of IT may be directing it, after waiting for the sequel to be green lit which in all fairness is going to be considering that IT is still smashing box office records, Muschietti has said that he would love to direct it because he feels the the original wasn’t true to the source material.

In all fairness I loved the original, it was creepy and all round terrifying, but to see a modern adaptation happen one could only dream, this is one of the movies I really wanted to be remade, that and Misery and a Cujo remake but hey let’s not get to excited, as Guillermo Del Toro says he wants to direct, personally I want the IT director as he did IT justice and kept it true to the book, Del Toro on the other hand has made some gems in his day however I myself didn’t like Pacific Rim or Crimson Peak, but loved Pans Labyrinth.

While this may be a rumour I sincerely hope it isn’t as I want this film to be remade for sure, phew!! Okay that’s my excitement vented out, anyway what’s everyone’s favourite Stephen King book for me it has to be Carrie or Needful Things…… hey……. Needful Things……. there’s another King adaption that has to be made damn someone get on to Hollywood now! this is a great idea. Anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

0
Uncategorized

IT, Probably One Of The Best Adaptions To A Stephen King Novel Ever

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

As I’ve said before I love book to film adaptions, however in my Dark Tower review there are some books that need special attention when adapting them in to a film, IT does just that and is by far a definite achievement by adapting the infamous novel in to one of the most scariest films we have seen this year.

For those who are unfamiliar with the story of IT let me tell you, IT is about a clown who every twenty seven years comes to Derry in Maine to kidnap children, a group of kids nicknamed the losers club go out and destroy the clown, only for it to come back 27 years later when they are adults, and that’s IT, the film is so terrifyingly scary that I found myself watching through my fingers at some scenes, however this isn’t your average horror movie no, it has some absolutely amazing comedic moments especially from the young cast, the banter between them is amazing, the insults are just hilarious, my favourite insult has to be when a member of the losers club peeks in to Eddie’s medicine cabinet and says “hey Eddie are these birth control pills” to which Eddie replies “yeah those are for your sister” trust me there’s plenty more where that come from during the two hour run time.

The scares are impressive as is Pennywise, who is played incredibly well by Bill Skarsgard, he actually gives Tim Curry a run for his money, Pennywise in this film is probably the best thing about this movie as is the talented young cast, the film stars Jaeden Lieberher as Bill Denbrough the leader of the losers club, Finn Wolfhard as Richie Tozier the comedic one of the group, Chosen Jacobs as Mike Hanlon, Jack Dylan Grazer as hypochondriac Eddie Kasbrak and Wyatt Oleff as Stan Uris, trust me this cast is amazing to watch, you can tell they enjoyed making the film.

All in all IT is one of the most faithful adaptions of a Stephen King book I have seen in a long time, almost makes me forget we had a Dark Tower release but hey that’s just me, oh for those who suffer from coulrophobia for the love of god stay away from this film, anyway IT is an amazing, scary if not terrifying and faithful movie adaption, now I ask you a question with the amount of Stephen King novels we are seeing getting adapted what book would you like to see get the big screen adaption, for me I would love to see a Misery or even a Cujo remake, what do want to see adapted let me know I’m quite interested to hear, but until next time guys catch ya later.

0
Uncategorized

Before I Wake, Terrifyingly Scary

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

As I’ve said before and I will say it again… I love horror movies whether they be awful bottom of the barrel type b-movies like Sharknado (don’t judge) or a good old fashioned ghost story like the Woman In Black I love them, Before I Wake doesn’t fall in to any of those no, it falls once again in to bargain bin territory, lets dive in to that said bin this is Before I Wake.

Okay first of all the scares a minimal and cliched the acting by the parents is so so but the story is really bittersweet and quite sad once you get to the final act. The film starts Thomas Jane, who plays the dad and Kate Bosworth playing the mum, then we have straight outta Room Jacob Tremblay who probably who an amazing child actor for his age, he plays Cody the adopted son of the parents whose dreams can come magically to life, while this sounds like a Guillermo Del Toro movie your pretty much mistaken, Cody’s nightmares can also come to life, in the form of the least threatening sounding villain ever The Canker Man!!!! ooooooooo!!!!! sounds terrifying doesn’t it not! anyway it turns out when Cody was little his mum died of cancer and Cody’s fear was losing her, so uh oh! The Canker Man appears, however it in fact the cancer man as that’s what his mum died of, so the Canker man is really known as the cancer man, he was scared of losing his mum to cancer, so I guess in a way the villain is in fact cancer.

Anyway the film was pretty good I’m not gonna lie the scares were pretty cliched, the acting was so so but the plot/ending packs an emotional punch, all in all Before I Wake is an okay movie it’s not the greatest nor is it the scariest, as I said in the Book Of Henry review you will find this probably in the bargain bin at your local supermarket for about five pounds, final rating 5/10 but until next time guys catch ya later.

0
Uncategorized

Alien: Covenant Or Alien With Prometheus Tied In With It As Well

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

Ah Prometheus, what was a prequel to Alien that really wasn’t and left so many unanswered questions, Ridley Scott returns to direct Alien Covenant… wait what??? A new Alien movie sign me the hell up, and then watched it at the only to realise I’d just walked out of a Prometheus sequel.

Okay let’s get one thing clear, this isn’t an Alien movie no, it’s a Prometheus sequel with Alien slabbed all over the title, and my god is this film gory, I can take gore as much as any other guy, but Alien Covenant ramps up the gore factor to a whopping ten out of ten, any way the film follows a similar plot to Prometheus meaning a new crew made up of one of the most sorry excuses of a space crew you have ever seen, they make some of the most ridiculous, god awfully bad decisions, for instance when gas is leaking in a confined space what do you do…. you search for the gas leak and switch off the gas…. ah but this crew member thinks it’s wise to shoot a bloody gun while gas is leaking, while I was repeatedly yelling at the screen yelling “you silly woman don’t shoot the gun” suddenly she shoots the gun and KABOOMMMM!!!! the spaceship blows up “insert slow clapping GIF here”

Boy this film was bad, I hated this movie for one or two reasons, one the plot went absolutely nowhere once they landed on the god forsaken planet, two the crew were possibly the most dumbest crew members I have ever had the displeasure of watching on a cinema screen, Ridley Scott hang your head in shame for this is the worst instalment of the Alien…. sorry Prometheus saga ever since Resurrection, seriously give resurrection a miss it’s really bad… final score 0/0 until next time guys catch ya later 🙂

0