Tag: bad

Uncategorized

Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey… Why?

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

On January first 2022 the 1926 novel of Winnie the Pooh entered the public domain, enter this guy Rhys Frake-Waterfield.

I want whatever he is on, because not only has he single-handedly turned our beloved woodland creatures in to cannibalistic, psychopathic murdering machines he has come out and said that he plans to make a shared universe with… Bambi and Peter Pan, ladies and gentlemen we are getting a multiverse that no one has asked for and one we don’t even need.

But anyway let’s dive in to possibly one of the most unintentionally hilarious horror films of this year.

Prepare yourself, because the plot I am about to dive in to is real… this isn’t some weird fever dream, this is an actual movie, someone has actually made this film… that being said let’s begin.

So we’re all familiar with Christopher Robin and Winnie The Pooh right? They hung out in the one hundred acre wood with Tigger, Rabbit, Owl and Piglet, right well Christopher brings them food for them to survive, he then heads off to college to study to become a doctor.

Pooh and the gang grow hungry during the winter and end up turning to cannibalism and savagely eat Eeyore alive.

I certainly did not have that on my 2023 bingo card but yet here we are!

It’s all downhill from there, I don’t even know where to begin with this film, I think the one question on mine and everyone else’s mind is… why?

Why take a beloved children’s character that so many generations have grown up watching and reading and turn him in to something like… this!

There isn’t even a justifiable reason why Winnie the Pooh kills in this film, Christopher just simply grew up, he grew up went to college I mean what sixteen year old do you know that has imaginary friends that live in the woods… not many.

You are probably thinking right now “you are reading way to much in to this dude, it’s a film enjoy it” maybe I am but still in a way I’m not wrong.

Blood and Honey is everything that is wrong with public domain movies, filmmakers make these films and then wonder why people hated it, I mean they received death threats from die hard Winnie the Pooh fans, yet they still went ahead and released it… it earned a dire 3% on rotten tomatoes.

Critics said that there’s zero coherent story, and the production value is bad, they’re not wrong it shows, however there is a plus… it does have a good slasher element to it and some kills are dare I say it brilliant, gory but brilliant.

Sadly that’s the only plus that’s in this film, it gets a very rare 0/10 from me, it’s bad that’s all you need to know.

As always catch ya later 🙂

2
Uncategorized

Happiness…. One Of The Most Uncomfortable Movies I Have Seen In My Life!!!

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

Okay remember when I reviewed Apt Pupil? I said that I had to switch it off after half hour? Yeah well, there’s a new film, and it’s ironically called Happiness… this film is far from it, it’s billed as a black comedy! Really, I admit I have a dark sense of humour but woah nelly this humour was too dark for me!

Happiness follows several stories, but there’s one story in particular that stays with you until the friggin credits roll! Basically it follows a dad and his son (sounds jolly and happy) but the dad has these “sexual desires” basically he has a creepy and down right perverted obsession with this one kid in his sons class, if you get uncomfortable with what I’m about to tell you then please stop reading.

The dad drugs this poor innocent kid while he’s sleeping over and then proceeds to… rape him…. yeah…. that film goes there. Oh did I mention the dad is a pedophile… no oh well he’s a pedophile, he then visits this one kid while his wife thinks he’s at a PTA meeting, he visits this kid whose home alone as his parents are in Europe, and you guessed it he….. rapes this child too…. the kid ends up in hospital and they find he’s been sexually abused, the father confesses this to his eleven year old son to which the son replies “would you ever fuck me” now any normal parent would say “hell no son you are family I would never do that to you ever!” Well the dad replies no, simple answer only to reply “I would jack off to you instead”

What the fuck!!!!! who writes that stuff… Happiness is so bloody uncomfortable it’s actually hard to sit through in some places, it wasn’t enjoyable at all like I said I have a dark sense of humour but fuck me this was too dark.

I give this film 2/10 it’s dark it’s uncomfortable but the way the film is shot is amazing, but as always guys until next time catch ya later! 🙂

0
Uncategorized

The Titan… Plot Holes Aplenty Fill This Bog Standard Body Horror Sci Fi Whatever This Film Was Meant To Be

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

This is one of the films where you have to laugh because of how predictable it is, also with the amount of plot holes this film has, the film stars Sam Worthington in an Katherine forgetful role, Taylor Schilling plays his wife and rising star child actor Noah Jupe plays their son.

Sam Worthington plays Rick Janssen who was previously a war pilot in the conflict in Syria, he is chosen by Professor Martin played by Tom Wilkinson, basically scientists have found a moon on Saturn called Titan, they believe that humans can adapt and procreate on this moon by undergoing a series of changes to turn them in to a meta human, he undergoes the first part of treatment then his wife starts noticing several changes, for instance he can hold his breathe underwater for forty minutes, and can swim faster than any other human.

She also finds that his veins are turning black, she starts becoming suspicious of the treatment her husband is receiving and starts investigating. Right I’m stopping the plot details there because not a lot happens a few people here and there die and Rick becomes a meta human and tries to kill his family and the guys that treated him.

Right, now what was wrong with this movie, oh boy where to begin number uno, Titan… we know that it’s a moon on Saturn we learn about the gasses it has on the planet, that’s it… that’s all we learn about Titan, secondly Ricks wife basically tries to stop the scientists from treating Rick, basically trying to halt the treatment and to stop them from sending him to Titan… only when the end of the film comes oh guess whose on Titan… yep you guessed it Rick! In the end he does go to Titan, after all his wife tried to do she still gave the all clear to let him go.

Which brings me on to my third point… why the hell did she slip saline inject him with it so he could escape once he became the meta human, cried when the guards tried to take him away to send to Titan only to then send him up there anyway! This film was abysmal I mean it was everything that’s wrong with a sci-fi film these days Jesus Christ on a bike we never hear from Titan again nor do we get any mention of why Titan might be inhabitable.

Seriously give this film a miss, the acting is appalling, Sam Worthington is really really bad in this movie as is the actress who plays his wife, even Tom Wilkinson was awful, now don’t get me wrong I’ve seen the kid act in a few other films most recently Wonder and Suburbicon but even he is not that great, and I’m prone to praise child actors but good god my ten year old brother could act better than some of these people in this film… final rating 0/10 the acting and the plot are terrible, let me tell you I was happy when the credits rolled excelsior! I cried thank god that’s over as I turned to my sister who was laughing at the ridiculousness of what we watched.

But anyway guys until next time I will catch ya later my dudes!!!!

4
Uncategorized

The Devil’s Rejects…. Who The Hell Requested This Movie Too Me!!!

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

I can take gore… no really I can… Cabin In The Woods that’s gory and I can take that…. the Final Destination franchise…. gory but again I can take that, The Devil’s Rejects take gore and raises it to 100% it’s disgusting like proper unfit for the squeamish gory, I’m squeamish okay I’ll admit but sorry excuse my language but fuck me sideways and call me Clive this film is just absolutely disgusting, I was gagging half of the time during this.

Now I’ve never seen a Rob Zombie movie and quite frankly after this film I don’t plan too, Rob Zombie’s films remind me of Eli Roth’s movies, you have to have a strong stomach to journey through Eli Roth’s movies, take Cabin Fever to this day I still can’t watch it because I feel physically sick to my stomach, The Green Inferno I can’t watch that at all, I switched it off at the forty minute mark. Now this film was requested to me via Twitter (@jackblake151 if you want to request a film to me) I got a message in my inbox saying in big capital letters DEVIL’S REJECTS!!!!! thank me later…. well thank you to whomever sent that request as I am now feeling very very sick indeed.

now by all means I’m not slating this movie I just didn’t like the gore at all, story wise it’s good and the acting by the anti heroes are great as well, sadly the gore let’s it down, although shout out to the child actor whose meant to look terrified but instead looks like he’s cracking up with laughter at the sight of his mum getting brutally knocked out by the clown character, so any who final rating…. I give this film a poorly 3/10 The plot is great and the acting is great as well however sadly the gore let’s it down immensely anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

6
Uncategorized

Clown, A Disgusting, Disturbing And Down Right Gory Ass Horror Flick

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

There’s a certain amount of gore I can take when it comes to horror movies, films like Final Destination I’m okay with, films like the Saw franchise I will not touch, then there’s Clown it’s produced by Eli Roth so you kinda get the feeling that it’s going to be disgusting, now it is disgusting but it’s disgusting in a way that makes me feel really uncomfortable, firstly I can take adults dying in horror films any day…. that sounded a lot better in my head but let me explain…. films like Final Destination I like because it doesn’t involve children dying in gruesome ways, that’s something I can’t take… at all like never.

Clown follows the story of a simple family man whose 10 year old son Jack is having birthday party, the clown they’ve hired has been double booked and cancels last minute, the dad finds an old clown costume in the house he’s trying to sell, so he goes home and entertains the children, only to fall asleep in the costume and wakes up with the costume fused to him, he try’s removing the nose but ends seriously injuring himself.

Now after this part he starts transforming in to a demon clown, he checks in to a motel where possibly one of the most adorable kid ever comes across him he offers to give him some food after hearing his stomach growl really loud, he tells the kid to simply stay away, the kid however come back while the dad is buzz sawing off his wig… now this is the first death we see, and while we see it offscreen we hear the saw blade rip through the little boy only seeing the exit wound it has left, immediately I thought oh it’s one of them movies where children die, great. After awhile we see the dad go through some really gruesome body changes, and a hunger for children,

His next port of call is an 11 year old boy who is home alone playing Xbox, he knocks over his drink and goes to get something to wipe it up, after seeing the back door open he goes and grabs some nunchucks, there he sees the clown and wonders why he’s there, we hear from his friend online that he bullied his son by rubbing glue in his face and calling his dad a fag because he dressed like a clown, he is then ripped apart by the clown and we hear offscreen the bloodcurdling scream from the boy and see what I’m guessing is a liver or his kidneys thrown at the TV… yep this film goes there with the gore factor, his next port of call is a place where every parent in America dreads to go Chuck-E-Cheese, we see a kid be dragged down like freakin jaws in to a ball pit, and then a boy is looking for his brother, he goes up the soft play area only to find his brother being eaten almost, just in the nick of time his brother gets away, only for him to be eaten alive by the killer clown, we see his body flung in to view and then his hand comes sliding down the slide in full view of kids and parents.

The mum ends up shooting the clown with the help of a guy she met but that part isn’t important we her the backstory of why the clown eats kids and all that, but anyway this film… wow there’s so many deaths I really didn’t enjoy it, I mean these kids die in the most horrific way possible it’s uncomfortable for me to of watched that, I personally want to know what the director was actually smoking or even thinking about in order to come up with this movie, it was horrible to watch, the acting was great however and the suspense was good too just the deaths seemed a little too much, I give this film a 3/10 it’s horrific seeing children die in movies and this film wastes no time in killing them.

Anyway guys that’s it from me see ya in the new year but as always until next time catch ya later 🙂

1
Uncategorized

Films That Dramatically, Epically Failed In 2017

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

2017 in my opinion was a great year for movies, we had adaptions, sequels and more reboots than you can shake a bucket of popcorn at, but that doesn’t mean that we’ve had some films that have flopped immensely this year, from dismal summer blockbusters to even more dismal winter openings, 2017 has had its fair share of epic flops, today we look back at just some of those films.

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGT

I loved the Transformers films when they came out before the 2010s but since then they have gotten more and more terrible, I had the displeasure of seeing this at the cinema back in the summer this year, Michael Bay really needs to get back in track with making original films like his Armageddon and Bad Boys days, but hey ho he’s probably going through a really bad dry spell, the film lost around 40 million in the US box office but succeeded overseas, it’s a shame because Anthony Hopkins was wasted on this film, such a great actor in such a horrible film.

GEOSTORM

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…. that’s what I have to say nothing else to it, okay you ready for the plot because believe me it’s laughable, you ready here we go… the government have created satellites for one purpose hahahahahaha you won’t believe what for, come closer I’ll tell ya… no seriously come closer to your screen *whispers… they use the satellites to control the weather by sending little pods from space down to earth…. yep oh and guess who saves the day… none other than Scotland’s very own action movie superhero who always saves the day, Gerard Butler…

The film earned an abysmal 13 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and for good reason to, the film was held back for various reshoots, when Jerry Bruckheimer came aboard, but alas he couldn’t save the film from scathing early reviews by the general public, you would think a film like that would’ve been pulled from release, but no they went ahead with the reshoots, and released it this year in October, the film performed miserably at the box office raking in a small amount of money.

BLADE RUNNER

“But Blade Runner was praised by critics” “it was a box office success” I hear you cry, but just like it’s predecessor it flopped dramatically, lack of marketing for this film was the main cause, plus it’s runtime clocking in at 163 minutes that’s nearly 3 hours, personally I liked it, it followed the original Blade Runner to a T but audiences were mostly at the cinema watching other movies rather than this one, but still, the original Blade Runner fans enjoyed.

POWER RANGERS

I was really looking forward to this early this year and I was so let down by how awful this movie was, Power Rangers was and still is my childhood, and swarms of nostalgia flowed through me during the trailers, it looked epic, however the pacing was terrible they spent so much time getting to know the characters rather than focus on the Power Rangers, they don’t even get in to their uniform until there’s 20 minutes of the film left, the film suffered massive blows nationwide in America and overseas and earned a dismal low rating on Rotten Tomatoes, looks like we won’t be getting the sequel to this bomb any time soon.

THE MUMMY

I love a good Tom Cruise film, however The Mummy was pretty much his worst, the film once again like Power Rangers it earned terrible reviews by critics, the film was supposed to launch a Dark Universe franchise but sadly poor reviews and a dismal box office run made the franchise nothing but an afterthought, so longtime Mummy fans will have to wait a teensy bit longer to see a franchise dawn from this.

GHOSTS IN THE SHELL

Oh boy this was a doozy, based on the critically acclaimed anime of the same name Ghosts In The Shell was surrounded by controversy right from the get go, mainly for the “whitewash” casting, the film starred Scarlett Johansson and earned really embarrassing reviews with critics, anime fans and movie goers started saying things about the casting mainly it’s lack of Japanese stars, since it’s well based off of an anime made in Japan.

MOTHER!

Darren Aronofsky, possibly one of Hollywoods underrated directors in my opinion, his visually stunning film The Fountain and his biblical epic Noah didn’t do well at the box office mainly because people didn’t like the religious themes, Mother! Done exactly the same thing and went all biblical on your ass, sadly a 60% rating on rotten tomatoes and poor box office sales sadly let mother slip in to the rank of box office bomb considering the cast of Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem.

So as you can see there have been some great movies this year and some major flops so with that theblakentorreviews would like to say a massive merry Christmas and here’s to a great 2018 but until next time guys catch ya later 🙂

0
Uncategorized

Suburbicon: A Confusing Pile Of Rubbish Possibly The Coen Brothers And George Clooney’s Worst Film

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

I was really looking forward to this movie, I love Matt Damon, he’s one of them actors where you can put him in any role and he will nail it every time, Suburbicon is possibly one of the worst films he has ever done I mean don’t get me wrong, he is great in this film but the film is a big pile of confusing plot holes.

Matt Damon plays a family man with a wife (Julian Moore) and son (Noah Jupe) and his wife’s sister (also played by Julian Moore) when a black family move in next door to them things in this peaceful idyllic town take a turn for the worst, Matt Damon’s home is invaded by two guys who tie up his family and give a dose of good old chloroform, but they accidentally give the wife an overdose and she dies, the sister then quickly becomes the sons guardian and second mum, but as the film goes on she starts to become more like the wife including dying her hair blonde just like the mum.

There’s also a murder mystery plot somewhere but the film is just really confusing to follow, I.e there’s to many things going on at once to follow what’s going on, but nonetheless the acting is awesome Matt Damon is great as is Julianne Moore as the deranged lunatic sister Noah Jupe is great in this as well as the son, the setting is amazing, George Clooney does capture the fifties suburbia really well, it’s just the plot that lets this film down dramatically, final rating 5/10 the acting is great and so is the setting just the plot is a big letdown anyway guys until next time catch ya later 🙂

0
Uncategorized

Flatliners…. Just Why

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

There are some remakes that are destined to be remade, and then there are some that bestow that old age saying and I quote “don’t fix what isn’t broken” Flatliners falls in to is category, sure the original which was released way back in the early 90s was okay at best but this is still one film that should never ever be remade like ever.

Flatliners follows the story of college grad students who undertake an experiment, which is basically to die experience the afterlife and then be bought back to life only for them to start hallucinating and seeing things. Now sounds interesting, the nineties version is fantastic regarding the story, pacing and visuals, this 2017 remake looks cheesy, tacky and just really really bad visually, trust me read my Dark Tower review and you will see that I hated that movie, this movie, oh boy hate isn’t even the word to describe this movie, it was garbage absolute garbage, the pacing seemed fast and the visuals were god awfully terrible the acting was…. pardon my potty mouth but SHIT!!!!!

This is only a short review because there is nothing else to say about this movie don’t waste your money and go see Blade Runner (which far superior than this pile of horseshit) Final rating 0/10 it’s awful anyway guys I’ll catch ya later 🙂

0
Uncategorized

Before I Wake, Terrifyingly Scary

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

As I’ve said before and I will say it again… I love horror movies whether they be awful bottom of the barrel type b-movies like Sharknado (don’t judge) or a good old fashioned ghost story like the Woman In Black I love them, Before I Wake doesn’t fall in to any of those no, it falls once again in to bargain bin territory, lets dive in to that said bin this is Before I Wake.

Okay first of all the scares a minimal and cliched the acting by the parents is so so but the story is really bittersweet and quite sad once you get to the final act. The film starts Thomas Jane, who plays the dad and Kate Bosworth playing the mum, then we have straight outta Room Jacob Tremblay who probably who an amazing child actor for his age, he plays Cody the adopted son of the parents whose dreams can come magically to life, while this sounds like a Guillermo Del Toro movie your pretty much mistaken, Cody’s nightmares can also come to life, in the form of the least threatening sounding villain ever The Canker Man!!!! ooooooooo!!!!! sounds terrifying doesn’t it not! anyway it turns out when Cody was little his mum died of cancer and Cody’s fear was losing her, so uh oh! The Canker Man appears, however it in fact the cancer man as that’s what his mum died of, so the Canker man is really known as the cancer man, he was scared of losing his mum to cancer, so I guess in a way the villain is in fact cancer.

Anyway the film was pretty good I’m not gonna lie the scares were pretty cliched, the acting was so so but the plot/ending packs an emotional punch, all in all Before I Wake is an okay movie it’s not the greatest nor is it the scariest, as I said in the Book Of Henry review you will find this probably in the bargain bin at your local supermarket for about five pounds, final rating 5/10 but until next time guys catch ya later.

0
Uncategorized

The Belko Experiment… What Even Was This Movie

Posted on by jadedsteelereviews

Oh boy this one is a doozy of a film, by that I mean it was awful, I had heard of this film for quite some time as it kept popping up on my recommended list on YouTube clips, trailers and sneak peeks, I went in blind and came out feeling sick to my stomach after watching this, it really is a mess of a film.

The Belko Experiment follows eighty people in a Colombian office block, for reasons unknown they send only the Colombian employees away only keeping the American employees, said employees have a chip in their head said to be a tracker, ah but a tracker it is not no it is in fact a tiny ball bearing explosive (yeah you can see where this is going) so all out war ensues, and our American office workers are forced to kill each other.

Now I for one hated this film, I mean it was a huge pile of dog faeces the plot was terrible as were the decisions made by the characters in the movie…. now I’m going to throw in a disclaimer for people who are easily offended (you have been warned) I can only compare it to the selection process made by Nazi troops in Auschwitz, that decision was basically people who have kids under the age of eighteen to the left and people who are fifty or over to the right, we then get a lovely Latin American rendition of the classic Mamas and The Papas song California Dreaming, the people who are fifty and over are then shot in the head.

Trust me the soundtrack gets even better as one final massacre occurs all while Tchaikovsky’s Concerto No.1 In B Minor plays… oh did I mention right at the start of the film we get a Latin American version of Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive, yeah the soundtrack guy really needs to have his head checked.

All in all The Belko Experiment is a right bloody mess of a film it’s horrible and made me feel really uncomfortable watching certain scenes, particularly when one of the employees pulls out his wallet and shows us a picture of his children only to have them tossed on the floor and for the guy to be shot in the back of the head. So do yourself a favour and give The Belko Experiment a miss and if someone ever offers you an opportunity to work in an office in Colombia think twice and say “hell no nah ah nope no way Jose” trust me give this film a miss, final rating 0/0 until next time guys catch ya later!

0